Posted on: 19 November, 2021
A service user letter:
I had no idea when we first met as to how you would make such a massive impact on my life. In the beginning things were good. You were my rock, my support, and the one I could trust, the one who would always be there no matter what. You were there in the good times with friends, at parties, celebrations, university. At all my social events having fun. Again, things were good! Really good! But things changed!
My life and world suddenly turned upside down and everything spiralled out of control. However, you were still there by my side to pick me up whenever I needed it. You always made sure you would be at home waiting for me to return from work. Many weeks and weekends passed by but you were the only one I could depend on to not leave me and stay by my side. What changed? Initially I didn’t even realise the changes and how you slowly began to take control of me. You influenced my movements, decisions, and choices. You prevented me from going out with my friends and seeing my family! I now see slowly you took control of my life! My entire life! You lulled me into a false sense of security and I now see this! You wanted me! Not the real me and not in a good way! You wanted full control of me! You stopped me being the bubbly person I once was, turning me into a shell of a person all-consumed by your nasty thoughts and actions. Why?!? You showed me that you could solve my problems, stop my pain and make my nightmares go away. You made the long lonely weekends and weeks pass by more easily. I thought you did this to help and support me but no! No, you didn’t! You did it for you!
Lucky for me I made new friends and met my husband. The love of my life, my rock, my soul mate. He would never do anything to hurt me like you have. I moved away from the toxic relationship that you had started to spin around me and I know you didn’t like this! Yes, I still thought about you, but I was in control. We still met up when celebrating with friends and family but how did you manage to take control of me again?!? How? You have such a pull, an attraction. Sometimes you would consume my thoughts and slowly began to take over again. Again, I began to see your ugly ways and even began to think about pushing you out of my life again. I started to dislike you and your control over me, the negative memories you’ve created. The dangerous positions you’ve put me in! My family in! God damn you, my CHILDREN IN!!!
In the beginning I didn’t see, but now I do! I see your true colours! How could you trap me in my mindset and manipulate me in such a way? I thought your intentions were good but I was naïve and now see this. You make me feel ashamed! Guilty! Angry that I didn’t see this coming! I feel stupid! I know I shouldn’t feel like this, it is you who should feel this! Not me! Healthy relationships do not do this! My husband, family and friends have never and would never treat me in this way! I see you! I know what you want now and I DO NOT WANT THIS! Not today, not tomorrow, never again! Yes, I know there will be days that you will pop back into my thoughts, but this time I will be prepared. I know what I need to do to stop this toxic relationship! You will not be part of my life anymore!
It’s quite empowering to finally be the one breaking up with you! It’s my life and only I can and should control it! Only me! You will never control me again! I know who I am. I am stronger now! Our little secret is no longer. I no longer feel weighted down by you and I know what I need and the people who will keep you away and out of my life. I am finally awake! It feels good! I have finally begun to hate and resent you. I no longer want you in my life to have fun, relax, stop my pain and worries and stress. In fact, it’s the opposite. I finally feel that I am beginning to become me again and I like it! If I’m honest, I know you never added any real value to my life. You were a sticking plaster used to hold me together on the surface and stopped me from letting my wounds heal. You nearly destroyed me and for this you should be ashamed, not me! I should have known better, but I’m glad I do now, finally!
You will no longer be a part of my life, and I’m finally ready to say goodbye and to forget you! Forever!